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Posts Tagged ‘coping with bad news’

If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were rising against me, I could hide.

But it is you, one like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship at the house of God, as we walked about among the worshipers.

How painful are the blows from a friend!

Want to know how you behave like a miserable comforter without meaning to be one?

Norman Wright tells us that we adopt three well-meaning but unhelpful behaviours when we support friends:

  • We have difficulty accepting bad news ourselves: This can be for lots of reasons (we may be overwhelmed with our own sorrows), but the result is the same. While we may say words of comfort, we physically distance ourselves from our friend who is hurting. Our friend will see this as us rejecting them and their problem.
  • We give advice that is not wanted or needed: We want to help and we can see some obvious ways forward for our friend, and so we tell them what they need to do. Our friend becomes a pupil as we adopt the role of their teacher. They will react in the variety of ways that children react to being told what to do – and with the added creativity gleaned over the years.
  • We overwhelm them with help: If we really, really care this is the trap for us. We smother them with kindness. Our friend becomes a child as we adopt the role of their parent. And we know how complex parent-child relationships can become. Sooner of later they will want to break free.

Can you see yourself in any of these behaviours?

Being aware that the patterns exist gives us a helpful starting point.

Being open in our communication and giving up the need to be in control, to be right or to fix things will take the pressure away from us all as we negotiate the maze of hurting emotions.

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